Blog - The Influence Brief

Nerves Are Not The Enemy...

Wed, 13 May 2026 17:40:02 GMT

What hostage negotiators can teach us about staying calm in business

For The Influence Brief

One of the questions I get asked most often, after speaking about communication and influence, is this:

How do hostage negotiators manage their nerves... and how can that help me with mine?

It is a fair question. After all, most people are not dealing with armed sieges or life-at-risk incidents. However, they are dealing with things that still make the pulse race: difficult meetings, tense conversations, presentations, interviews, pitches, conflict, and commercial negotiations where the stakes feel high.

And that is the point.

Your body is not especially good at telling the difference between physical danger and social danger. So whether you are talking to a man waving a gun around or walking into a negotiation with an awkward client, the response can feel surprisingly similar.

Your heart pounds. Your stomach flips. Your hands shake. Your mouth dries up.

That does not mean there is something wrong with you. You are not a nervous wreck…

It means your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Your nerves are normal

When we feel nervous, we often think we need to get rid of it. We have to fight it.

In reality, that is the wrong battle.

The aim is not to avoid nerves. The aim is to manage them well enough to perform at our best.

That was certainly true for me as a negotiator. I felt nervous plenty of times. The trick was never to pretend I was immune to it. The trick was to understand what was happening and stop treating it as a sign that I was failing.

It is just chemistry.

Evolution equipped us brilliantly to deal with immediate physical threats. Less brilliantly for annual reviews, board presentations and contract negotiations.

So the first step is a simple one: expect to feel nervous. And understand why.

Your heart rate rises in case you need to fight or run. Blood moves away from your hands and stomach and towards the major muscle groups. That is why your hands can shake and your stomach can feel like it is doing somersaults.

It is all very helpful if you are being chased across the Serengeti by something with big teeth…. slightly less helpful when you are trying to discuss pricing with a procurement director.

My own coping mechanism was often to look around, laugh at myself and think: "I can’t see any sabre-toothed tigers around here..."

Watch your self-talk

The next thing is mind-set.

We are often far harsher to ourselves than we would ever be to another person. We talk ourselves down, pile pressure on, and create an internal commentary that makes everything worse. That is not especially useful.

If I was deploying to a siege or talking to somebody in crisis, that was not the moment for an identity crisis of my own. It was not the time to think: "I am not sure I am up to this." It was the time to think: "I am the right person for this job." In that moment, I was not ‘a’ hostage negotiator… I was ‘ The hostage negotiator’.

Not because of arrogance, but because confidence helps performance.

There is always time to review, learn and improve afterwards. But in the moment, your self-talk needs to help you, not undermine you.

That applies just as much in business. If you are walking into a pitch, a negotiation, a disciplinary conversation or a meeting that matters, you do not need an inner voice whispering that you are about to make a mess of it.

Be kind to yourself. Speak to yourself properly. You do not need to be fearless.

But you do need to be on your own side.

Planning prevents panic

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given as a negotiator was this: plan meticulously for the first sixty seconds of every interaction.

It is simple. And it is gold. Why? Because it does two things.

First, it gives your mind something useful to do.

Instead of obsessing over how nervous you feel, you start focusing on what you are going to say, how you are going to open, what tone you want to set, and what first impression you want to create.

That alone reduces anxiety, because the anticipation is often so much worse than the event itself.

Second, it helps you start well. And starting well matters.

In business, the first minute of a conversation can shape the next hour. It can set the tone in a negotiation, establish credibility in a meeting, or calm things down in a difficult discussion. If you know how you want to begin, you are already in a stronger position.

So before any important interaction, ask yourself:

· How do I want to come across? What is my branding?

· What is the first thing I need to say?

· What tone do I want to set?

· What might they be feeling as this conversation begins?

That is not over-preparing. That is giving yourself the best possible start.

Get used to the discomfort

Finally, get out of your comfort zone.

You do not become calm under pressure by waiting until pressure arrives. You get better by practising discomfort in manageable doses.

That might mean speaking up earlier in meetings. Picking up the phone instead of hiding behind email. Having the conversation you have been putting off. Asking the harder question in a commercial negotiation. Pushing yourself into situations that stretch you a bit. Not reckless. Just stretched.

The more often you experience nerves and discover that you can still function, the less power those feelings have over you.

That is how confidence is built. Not by waiting to feel ready. By doing the thing before you feel fully ready.

The real lesson

People often assume negotiators must be naturally calm. That was not my experience…

Calm is not always something you feel. Sometimes it is something you choose to practise.

You notice the nerves. You understand them. You manage your self-talk. You prepare well.

And then you get on with it.

That is true in hostage negotiation. And it is just as true in business.

Most of us are not managing life-or-death incidents. But we are managing relationships, pressure, expectations, conflict and conversations that matter.

In those moments, nerves are not the enemy. They are just a signal that something matters...

When One Mistake Becomes The Story

Fri, 24 Apr 2026 12:21:04 GMT

What goalkeepers taught me about bravery, pressure and performance

“You do not get the upside of visible roles without accepting the downside of exposure.”

At a recent event in Germany at which I was speaking, I had the pleasure of talking to a former Premier League and international goalkeeper who is still considered a legend at a certain north London club.

At one point, I started teasing him about the fact that goalkeepers have a reputation for being a bit unusual. You know the stereotype. A little unpredictable, often a bit highly strung, and not ‘wired the same way’ as the rest of the team. He looked at me and said, very matter-of-factly,

“Yes, but we have to be brave.”

That stopped me, because he was right. He was not just talking about throwing his body at someone’s feet or launching himself towards the top corner. He was talking about putting his reputation on the line, because a goalkeeper lives under a more intense spotlight.

A striker can make a number of mistakes, give the ball away, disappear for long periods then score one deflected goal, and still be described as the hero.

A goalkeeper can have an otherwise excellent game, make one visible mistake, and suddenly that one moment becomes the story.

That same dynamic exists far beyond football. It existed in hostage negotiation. And it exists in business.

Some roles are simply more exposed than others. The margin for error feels smaller. The mistakes feel more public. The consequences feel more personal. That pressure can make people look more intense, more reactive and occasionally more eccentric than those around them. Not because they are less capable, but because they are standing closer to the consequences.

I saw versions of that in hostage negotiation. Thankfully, I was never asked to dive full length at the feet of an angry man wearing studs, but I did work in situations where calm, judgement and communication carried an enormous amount of weight, often quite literally under a spotlight and with a megaphone in your hand.

In those moments, you are very aware that your opening line matters, your tone and branding matters, and your decisions matter. And when the stakes are high, pressure does not just test your communication. It can interfere with it, it can make you rush, over-explain, become defensive, or try too hard to sound in control.

You see exactly the same thing in business. A client pushes back on price and somebody starts over-justifying. A senior leader gets challenged in a meeting and becomes oddly defensive. A presenter feels the room go quiet and starts speaking twice as fast. A salesperson hears an objection and panics into discounting.

None of that usually happens because they lack ability. It happens because pressure has hijacked their judgement.

That is why bravery in business is rarely physical. It is reputational. It is the courage to say the difficult thing in the meeting. To hold your ground in a negotiation without becoming awkward or aggressive. To present an idea that might be rejected. To ask for the fee or price you believe is justified. To stay calm when other people are wobbling.

A lot of people in business are not really afraid of the work itself. They are afraid of what might happen to their image if it goes badly. They are afraid of looking foolish, being blamed, being rejected or getting it wrong in public. So, they talk too much, they make clumsy concessions, they latch onto scripts. They lose the ability to listen and try to protect their ego instead of protecting the outcome.

The goalkeeper conversation reminded me that some roles carry asymmetric judgement .

The margin for error feels smaller. The mistakes feel more public, and the consequences feel more personal. That is true for senior leaders. It is true for hostage negotiators. It is true for anyone handling difficult conversations, public presentations, or high-stakes client relationships.

If you are in one of those roles, there are two things worth remembering.

Feeling pressure does not mean you are unsuited to the role.

It often means that the role matters.

You do not get the upside of visible roles without accepting the downside of exposure.

You cannot have influence without scrutiny.

You cannot lead without being judged.

You cannot negotiate important things without risking discomfort.

So, what helps?

Prepare your opening. Do not confuse nerves with inability. Focus on process, not image. Accept that some roles are judged more harshly than others. And stay calm enough to think.

That former goalkeeper was right. Some roles do require a different kind of bravery. Not because the people in them are mad, but because they are repeatedly asked to perform with their judgement, their composure and their reputation on the line.

And whether you are standing in goal, talking somebody to put a knife down, or walking into a difficult commercial negotiation, the challenge is often the same: can you stay composed enough to do your job when everybody might remember your mistake? That is where bravery lives.

Nigel Taberner is a communications expert and former UK hostage negotiator who now brings those skills to the corporate world through conference speeches and communications masterclasses.

It's not a problem??

Tue, 14 Apr 2026 16:00:55 GMT

It's not a problem??

After my recent article about a painful encounter that I had with the 'I understand' man, I thought that I would introduce you to another acquaintance of mine, the man (or woman) for whom, "It's not a problem..."

A couple of months ago I had to take my car for its annual MOT test.

It is a yearly trauma because the car is my runaround for work, is pretty old and it has a massive amount of mileage on the clock. In short, its days are numbered.

In order to get it through this really stringent test my tactic, as always, was to completely fool the mechanic by vaccuming it and putting it through a car wash... works every time!

I bought my car wash token and drove the car in.

Unfortunately all was not well with the car wash that morning. Instead of cleaning the car it made a strange grinding noise, dumped brown water all over my roof and squirted foam vertically into the air to quite an impressive height.

I drove the car out of the wash, morphing by the second into Basil Fawlty. Barely had I got one foot out of the door when the man who had served me came running out of his booth, waving his arms and shouting, "It's not a problem".

I have to be honest, that was not what I needed to hear.

For me, it was a massive problem. Not only was I going to be late but how on earth was I supposed to convince the mechanic that my car was roadworthy now? My world was falling apart.

However well meaning, the last thing that I wanted to be told, was that my problem was not a problem.

It might not have been a problem for him, but it certainly was for me.

He undoubtedly said it with the best of intentions but what he needed to do was deal with me, before he dealt with the issue.

He may have had the solution (hence to him it genuinely wasn't a problem), but he needed to let me get things off my chest. He had to listen to me and help me to manage my emotional response so that he could then go on to resolve the issue.

And it gets worse.

This was a pretty spontaneous incident. It may have provoked that emotional 'knee-jerk' in me, that couldn't be ignored, but it hadn't had the time to brew properly...

I am sure that you can think of a situation where you were really angry about something or someone and you were going to ring the Customer Service Team and give them a piece of your mind.

Not only had you got a story to tell them, but you had rehearsed exactly how the conversation was going to go, in your head, over and over.

You had actually made yourself notes so that you didn't forget to say something along the way...

But, when you spoke to the agent, barely had you opened your mouth before you were interrupted with, 'It is not a problem', and presented with their solution that you were expected to accept, be happy with and move on... problem solved...

But... you still had all of this stuff that you hadn't had a chance to say!

You had a script that you were not even halfway through!

You found yourself left with the sense that, how you felt was of no significance, it wasn't relevant, because they had the answer.

And it left you feeling frustrated and angry...

So todays takeaway is...

Even if you have the solution, you have got to let people vent.

You have got to let them get it off their chest. It is perfectly natural and it will help them immensely in dealing with what is happening.

By not allowing them to do that, all you are doing is making your own life so much harder for yourself.

So don't be so quick to jump in and 'head problems off at the pass'. It is infuriating to be on the receiving end of it.

Whether it is a client, a customer, an employee, your manager, your teenager... be patient!

My experience as a hostage negotiator was that you need to deal with person before you can begin to address the problem.

Allow them to express their feelings, let them say what they need to say, hear them out and then, and only then, offer your solution...

They are far more likely to accept it...

Nigel Taberner is a former UK Hostage Negotiator who now brings those skills to the corporate world.

"I Understand"

Tue, 14 Apr 2026 13:27:14 GMT

"I Understand...." Really??

One of the phrases that you should never hear coming from the mouth of a hostage negotiator is, “I understand”. Former negotiator Nigel Taberner explains why that is.

‘I understand’ is one of our ‘go-to’ phrases in life when we are dealing with someone who has a complaint, who is having a hard time or is emotional about something. We genuinely say it because we think that it will make people feel better, but it can have completely the opposite effect.

A few months ago I was having lunch with my family in the kitchen. We had put the washing machine on and it was doing a spin cycle. Suddenly there was an almighty bang!

When we recovered from the shock, we discovered a massive hole had been blown out of the washing machine door window and that shards of glass had been thrown all over the kitchen, narrowly missing us.

We were given the usual run-around on the phone for a couple of days before we managed to get it taken seriously but, in the meantime, I had to negotiate my way around my arch-nemeses.

The ‘I Understand’ man…

The ‘I Understand’ man ‘understood’ that we were unhappy with the product failing in spectacular fashion and exploding in the way that it had. He ‘understood’ that we felt like we were being given the run-around on the phone. He ‘understood’ that we were starting to get frustrated because we felt that nobody was taking it seriously. He even ‘understood’ how scary it must have been when the glass went bang and was thrown across the kitchen.

Now, given my background, I really do try not to go through life critiquing the quirks of people’s communication styles and, in fairness, he probably was trying to make me feel better by demonstrating what he believed to be empathy.

But I’d had more than enough of being ‘understood’ for one day.

I said to him, “You have no idea how we felt because you were not stood there when the glass blew out. You were not there, and you did not experience it. You did not hear it and you did not see it. Even if you had been there, you would only understand how you felt, you would still have no idea what it felt like for me”.

So, the first take home is that you can never ‘understand’ how I feel. You cannot walk in my shoes.

You can put my shoes on, you can have a good walk around in them, but you will only ever understand how they feel for you. You will not understand how tight or uncomfortable they are for me. You will never experience them rubbing like I do. You will never know the sense of relief I feel when I take them off at the end of the day.

We can both experience exactly the same thing but feel very differently.

So, no matter how well intended it may be, to say ‘I understand’ does not cut it. It is fog language.

Very often as we navigate our way through life, we become the ‘I Understand Man/ Woman’.

When our colleague at work breaks up with a partner, we ‘understand’. When our kids are struggling with exam stress or bullying, we ‘understand’. When somebody misses out on a promotion, we ‘understand’.

So, “what do I do?”, I hear you saying. What is the appropriate response?

Well counter-intuitively the best response is to be honest and say, “I can’t possibly understand what that must have been like for you”. Then sit back, be quiet, listen, and let them tell you.

It works.

Saying to them, “I can’t even begin to imagine how you must have felt”, acknowledges that their feelings are only ever theirs but, when combined with good listening skills it gives them the opportunity to articulate exactly how they feel and what it is that they are going through.

Then, and only then, will you ever ‘understand’…

Nigel Taberner is a communications expert and former UK hostage negotiator who now brings those skills to the corporate world through conference speeches and communications masterclasses.