Buy Signs: The Moment a Hostage Negotiator Knows

Everything Is About to Change




What can a woman holding a gun teach us about closing a business deal?


Quite a lot, actually.


Imagine you're a hostage negotiator. You're talking to a man holding a gun. He's angry, frightened and deeply suspicious of your intentions. For the past hour, you've been listening. Really listening. You've been asking questions, acknowledging his emotions, demonstrating empathy and slowly building a relationship with somebody who, until recently, had absolutely no interest in talking to you. You are doing all of the right stuff.

And then he asks you the question...


"Am I going to get arrested?"


Everything has just changed. Not because he's agreed to surrender. Not because the danger has disappeared. It hasn't. But because, maybe for the first time, he's contemplating a different outcome.

He's no longer simply telling you what he won't do. He's beginning to explore what might happen if he does.


That's a buy sign.


In hostage negotiation, a buy sign is an indication that somebody may be moving towards a change in their position. It might be a subtle shift in language, a question about what happens next or an unexpected willingness to discuss practical arrangements.


The man holding the gun might ask:

  • "What happens to me if I come out?"
  • "If I surrendered, could I speak to my wife?"
  • "Will I get handcuffed?"
  • "Would the neighbours see me being taken away?"

Notice something important about those questions. He hasn't agreed to anything, but he's starting to imagine a future in which he makes a different decision and that is a significant psychological shift.


A skilled negotiator recognises that the conversation may be moving from resistance towards possibility, and when that happens, the negotiator needs to recognise the opportunity to change gear. Not by suddenly becoming aggressive or issuing demands, but by moving from predominantly gathering information and building trust towards helping the person take a safe, practical next step.


The objective changes from creating the conditions for a decision to helping somebody make it.


Now imagine a completely different conversation. You're a salesperson presenting a proposal to a prospective client.

You've spent the past 40 minutes explaining your services, asking questions, exploring their challenges and demonstrating how you could help. Then the prospect asks,


"If we went ahead, how quickly could you get started?"


What do you do? A surprisingly common response is to continue selling.... "Well, before we get to that, let me explain another three reasons why we're different from our competitors."   Oh dear...

The prospect has just given you an important indication that they're contemplating doing business with you and you've completely missed it.


It's the commercial equivalent of the man with the gun asking what happens if he surrenders, and the negotiator responding with another lengthy explanation of why surrendering is a good idea.


One of the most useful things I learned as a hostage negotiator was to pay attention not simply to what somebody was saying, but to what their language revealed about their thinking. In business, the same principle applies.


Early in a conversation, a prospective client might ask:


"Why should we choose you?"

"What makes your product different?"

"Why is it so expensive?"

"How do I know this will work?"


These are perfectly reasonable questions. The person is evaluating you, testing your credibility and deciding whether your proposition deserves serious consideration.


But later, the questions may change.

"When could you deliver?"

"How would we introduce this to our team?"

"Would you be able to accommodate 200 people?"

"What would our managers need to do beforehand?"

"Could we spread the cost across two financial years?"


These are different questions. The prospect may no longer be concentrating exclusively on whether they should buy. They're starting to consider how buying might actually work. They are mentally rehearsing the decision and that's worth noticing.


The seven buy signs worth listening for...


Not every positive comment means somebody is ready to sign a contract. But there are certain changes in language and behaviour that deserve your attention.


1. They start talking about the future

"When we introduce this to the team…"

They're no longer discussing an abstract proposition. They're beginning to picture your solution as part of their organisation.


2. Their questions become practical

"What happens after the first three months?"

The conversation is moving away from benefits and towards implementation.


3. They start involving other people

"We probably need to include our business manager in this conversation."

This is particularly interesting because the prospect may now be investing their own credibility in the process.


4. They reveal internal obstacles

"Our senior partners might be difficult to convince."

These comments can sound like objections. But they may actually be invitations to help solve the remaining problems.


5. They begin negotiating details

"Could you include an additional session?"

Of course, negotiation isn't proof of commitment. But it can indicate that somebody is thinking seriously about the terms on which they might proceed.


6. They start solving problems with you (This is one of my favourites)

"If we divided the cost between two departments, that might work."

They're no longer simply presenting a barrier. They're helping you find a way around it.

The conversation has shifted from you versus them to you and them versus the problem.


7. Their behaviour changes

Sometimes the most important signals aren't verbal at all.

The prospect becomes more engaged. They respond more quickly. They arrange another meeting.

Words matter, but actions can provide stronger evidence of genuine intent.


Just beware that a buy sign is not a sale. We always used to say that, “When you think that you are just about to win, that is when you can lose…”

If the man holding the gun asks whether he'll be arrested if he surrenders, it doesn't mean he's about to put the gun down. He might still be frightened, angry, conflicted or simply exploring his options. The negotiator who mistakes a tentative question for a firm commitment risk undoing all the progress made. Business is no different...


A buy sign is evidence of possible movement, not proof of a decision.

A prospect asking about your prices may simply be comparing suppliers. Somebody asking about delivery dates may be gathering information for a future project. A person who says, "That sounds interesting" may have absolutely no intention of buying anything. The skill lies in recognising it without becoming overconfident.


Here are three useful stages to responding to buy signs.


SPOT IT


Recognise that the other person's language or behaviour has changed.

Listen for the shift from whether to how, from objections to practical questions, and from resistance to collaboration.


TEST IT


Don't leap straight into your closing pitch. Instead, gently explore what the signal means.


For example:

Prospect: "Could you deliver this before Christmas?"

You: "We should be able to accommodate that. I get the impression that the timeline is important?"

Or:

Prospect: "I'm not sure our senior management team would approve the budget."

You: "I get the impression that you're comfortable with the proposal itself, but you're concerned about getting internal approval?"


The above responses use a technique I regularly teach called ‘Stating the Impression’. Rather than arguing with an objection, you're attempting to identify the concern behind it. And, importantly, you're giving the other person an opportunity to either agree with you or correct you.

 

SEAL IT


If the prospect confirms that they're seriously considering moving forward, your approach should change. Stop introducing unnecessary information. Stop trying to prove how wonderful you are. Concentrate on resolving whatever is preventing a decision.


"It sounds as though timing is the only outstanding issue.”

"I get the impression that we are pretty close to getting this over the line"

"What would need to happen next for us to get this agreed?"


You're not trying to manipulate somebody into buying something they don't want. You're helping somebody who may already want to proceed overcome the remaining barriers. There's a significant difference.

 

The most dangerous mistake? Talking past the moment.


Let's return to our man with the gun. After an hour of difficult conversation, he asks:


"If I put the gun down, what happens next?"


Imagine the negotiator completely ignoring the significance of that question. Instead, they launch into another speech about the benefits of surrendering. Or worse, they become so excited by the prospect of success that they start making demands about what that needs to look like. A skilled negotiator knows that the moment requires care.

They answer honestly, avoid promises they cannot keep, acknowledge any remaining concerns and work towards a safe resolution. They don't abandon their listening skills. They use everything they've learned through listening to help the person take the next step.

 

Active listening and persuasion aren't competing skills. They work together.


Listening helps you understand where somebody is. Persuasion, when appropriate, helps them consider where they might go next. Buy signs can tell you when that tipping point is approaching…


The final lesson


Whether you're negotiating with somebody holding a gun, discussing a multimillion-pound contract, trying to influence your board or persuading a colleague to support a new idea, there's a moment worth listening for.


The Buy Sign…


It's the moment somebody stops concentrating entirely on why something can't happen and begins exploring how it might. They haven't necessarily made their decision, but something has changed and they are looking at possibilities beyond it…

The inexperienced communicator may miss it and continue selling. The impatient communicator may recognise it and push too hard. The skilled communicator spots the change, tests what it means and helps the other person move forward.


Because sometimes, the secret to influence isn't knowing what to say next, it's recognising that the other person is finally ready to hear something different.



Nigel Taberner is a former UK police hostage negotiator and international conference speaker. He helps businesses, leaders and teams understand how the communication and influence techniques used in high-pressure negotiations can transform everyday business conversations.

Why Politicians Need To Stop Talking Like Politicians…

by Nigel Taberner • 30 June 2026
Front bench politicians should be amongst the world’s best communicators, right? Their role, after all, is to influence often sceptical members of the public to buy into their particular idiology, convince them that their political opponents are wrong, and ultimately persuade the electorate to vote them into office. Their job is all about communication and they are supported at great expense by special advisors, focus groups, speech writers and experienced colleagues to guide them. So why is it that they often struggle to connect with the public, other than with their own supporters? Is it because of the way that they are coached and advised, or is it because they genuinely lack the emotional intelligence to connect with people outside of the ‘Westminster Bubble’? So, this article is about communication and influence, with a particular focus on leaders in government and on the opposition front benches. It is not intended to be party political, and it is just a reflection on some of their communication styles seen through the eyes of a former hostage negotiator. My role as a hostage negotiator was to connect with somebody, to get them to like me, get them to trust me so that I had earned the right to be able to influence them. That might be putting a weapon down or letting a hostage go. To be able to influence somebody is a right that must be earned. It is a process. You cannot just do it! There are no shortcuts, no jedi mind tricks and the hard yards are done in developing that connection and gaining trust. If I cannot connect or relate to you, I am unlikely to trust you, and if I do not trust you, then I am never going to let you influence me. Politicians at times appear to struggle with the ability to establish this kind of rapport with us. They often seem to speak in an un-natural way, with exaggerated gravitas, using short, syncopated phrases and unnatural pauses and emphasis mid-sentence. I cannot help but think that it is because of advice that they are given, but their attempts to sound like a statesperson very often gives the impression of a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. When I used to train and mentor new negotiators the hardest part was stopping them communicating like the experienced police officers that they were or sounding how they thought a hostage negotiator should sound. We used to tell them all the time that they had to be their authentic selves and to talk naturally. Most people are unsuccessful on hostage negotiators courses because they try to be a hostage negotiator instead of taking themselves to work and being their authentic self. Often, when debriefing exercises, we would say to negotiators, “Would you have said it like that to your mate in the pub or your nephew?”. The two key elements to quickly developing a connection with people are warmth and competence . Showing that you are a good person to do business with, that your intentions are good, that you are high performing and can do what you say. This has got to be presented in a way that is seen to be authentic and relatable, so we would talk about personal branding and where abouts on that warmth/ competence axis they needed to aim for to have maximum impact and influence. Rapport is often undermined further by parroted answers and repeated, pre-prepared lines. Theresa May was clearly briefed to repeat, “strong and stable government,” in answer to every question in the run up to the 2017 general election. In the same way, Liz Truss must have been advised to say, “we have acted decisively,” in response to any question that she was asked on her media rounds. Sir Keir Starmer relies very heavily on, “Let me be clear”. The problem is that these over-used phrases come across as lacking both in authenticity and competence. They sound a bit tone deaf. I understand that the media have a role to play in this as well. If a politician wants to get a particular soundbite on the news, then repeating it several times ensures that it does not end up on the cutting room floor. The problem occurs when the outlet edit very little out of the piece and they come across sounding boring and repetitive. The more managed the message sounds, the less human the messenger appears. The knack is to have the verbal dexterity to say the same thing several times without using the same words. Another common mistake among politicians is the use of phrases such as “I/ We understand” and, my personal favourite, “I get it”. It is a phrase that is guaranteed to damage rapport because, let’s be honest, they don’t. It is a phrase that was trotted out with monotonous regularity during the Coronavirus pandemic and the cost-of-living crisis, because they think that it demonstrates empathy. But how can ministers/ shadow ministers with the salaries that they are on understand the struggles of those who have a fraction of their wealth and privilege, no second home and no expenses to cushion rising bills? I know that it is a particular beef of mine, but no half decent hostage negotiator would ever say that they understood somebodies’ plight, or how they feel. It is impossible to. It is so much better, so much more genuine, and honest to say, “I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for you…”. So, to better connect with the public what is it that politicians can learn from the little seen world of hostage negotiation? Firstly, balance that warmth v competence see-saw . They are both important and, whilst the minimum requirement is to be competent, in the world of influence you will get a lot further by combining it with warmth and that personal touch. Secondly, be verbally dextrous enough to say the same thing in a number of different ways and challenge the advice and coaching when it doesn’t feel right, and just isn’t you. And finally, accept that you don’t understand how people feel . Listen with the intention of trying to, but know that you will only ever understand and make sense of it from your own perspective and not theirs. A hostage negotiator does not need to fully understand someone’s experience. They need to make the person feel that their situation has been acknowledged without pretending to share it. At some point when the political world has settled a little, I will come back to this model and look at issues of trust and influence and how politics can learn from the world of hostage negotiation. Who knows, we may even get around to the art of actually answering a question… In the meantime, this is not just a lesson for politicians. It applies to anyone who needs to influence sceptical people: leaders, sales teams, commercial negotiators and anyone trying to move people from resistance to action. If you want to know more then please feel free to reach out...

Nerves Are Not The Enemy...

by Nigel Taberner • 13 May 2026
What hostage negotiators can teach us about staying calm in business For The Influence Brief

When One Mistake Becomes The Story

by Nigel Taberner • 24 April 2026
“You do not get the upside of visible roles without accepting the downside of exposure.” At a recent event in Germany at which I was speaking, I had the pleasure of talking to a former Premier League and international goalkeeper who is still considered a legend at a certain north London club. At one point, I started teasing him about the fact that goalkeepers have a reputation for being a bit unusual. You know the stereotype. A little unpredictable, often a bit highly strung, and not ‘wired the same way’ as the rest of the team. He looked at me and said, very matter-of-factly, “Yes, but we have to be brave.” That stopped me, because he was right. He was not just talking about throwing his body at someone’s feet or launching himself towards the top corner. He was talking about putting his reputation on the line, because a goalkeeper lives under a more intense spotlight. A striker can make a number of mistakes, give the ball away, disappear for long periods then score one deflected goal, and still be described as the hero. A goalkeeper can have an otherwise excellent game, make one visible mistake, and suddenly that one moment becomes the story. That same dynamic exists far beyond football. It existed in hostage negotiation. And it exists in business. Some roles are simply more exposed than others. The margin for error feels smaller. The mistakes feel more public. The consequences feel more personal. That pressure can make people look more intense, more reactive and occasionally more eccentric than those around them. Not because they are less capable, but because they are standing closer to the consequences. I saw versions of that in hostage negotiation. Thankfully, I was never asked to dive full length at the feet of an angry man wearing studs, but I did work in situations where calm, judgement and communication carried an enormous amount of weight, often quite literally under a spotlight and with a megaphone in your hand. In those moments, you are very aware that your opening line matters, your tone and branding matters, and your decisions matter. And when the stakes are high, pressure does not just test your communication. It can interfere with it, it can make you rush, over-explain, become defensive, or try too hard to sound in control. You see exactly the same thing in business. A client pushes back on price and somebody starts over-justifying. A senior leader gets challenged in a meeting and becomes oddly defensive. A presenter feels the room go quiet and starts speaking twice as fast. A salesperson hears an objection and panics into discounting. None of that usually happens because they lack ability. It happens because pressure has hijacked their judgement. That is why bravery in business is rarely physical. It is reputational. It is the courage to say the difficult thing in the meeting. To hold your ground in a negotiation without becoming awkward or aggressive. To present an idea that might be rejected. To ask for the fee or price you believe is justified. To stay calm when other people are wobbling. A lot of people in business are not really afraid of the work itself. They are afraid of what might happen to their image if it goes badly. They are afraid of looking foolish, being blamed, being rejected or getting it wrong in public. So, they talk too much, they make clumsy concessions, they latch onto scripts. They lose the ability to listen and try to protect their ego instead of protecting the outcome. The goalkeeper conversation reminded me that some roles carry asymmetric judgement . The margin for error feels smaller. The mistakes feel more public, and the consequences feel more personal. That is true for senior leaders. It is true for hostage negotiators. It is true for anyone handling difficult conversations, public presentations, or high-stakes client relationships. If you are in one of those roles, there are two things worth remembering. Feeling pressure does not mean you are unsuited to the role. It often means that the role matters. You do not get the upside of visible roles without accepting the downside of exposure. You cannot have influence without scrutiny. You cannot lead without being judged. You cannot negotiate important things without risking discomfort. So, what helps? Prepare your opening. Do not confuse nerves with inability. Focus on process, not image. Accept that some roles are judged more harshly than others. And stay calm enough to think. That former goalkeeper was right. Some roles do require a different kind of bravery. Not because the people in them are mad, but because they are repeatedly asked to perform with their judgement, their composure and their reputation on the line. And whether you are standing in goal, talking somebody to put a knife down, or walking into a difficult commercial negotiation, the challenge is often the same: can you stay composed enough to do your job when everybody might remember your mistake? That is where bravery lives. Nigel Taberner is a communications expert and former UK hostage negotiator who now brings those skills to the corporate world through conference speeches and communications masterclasses.

It's not a problem??

by Nigel Taberner • 14 April 2026
After my recent article about a painful encounter that I had with the 'I understand' man, I thought that I would introduce you to another acquaintance of mine, the man (or woman) for whom, "It's not a problem..." A couple of months ago I had to take my car for its annual MOT test. It is a yearly trauma because the car is my runaround for work, is pretty old and it has a massive amount of mileage on the clock. In short, its days are numbered. In order to get it through this really stringent test my tactic, as always, was to completely fool the mechanic by vaccuming it and putting it through a car wash... works every time! I bought my car wash token and drove the car in. Unfortunately all was not well with the car wash that morning. Instead of cleaning the car it made a strange grinding noise, dumped brown water all over my roof and squirted foam vertically into the air to quite an impressive height. I drove the car out of the wash, morphing by the second into Basil Fawlty. Barely had I got one foot out of the door when the man who had served me came running out of his booth, waving his arms and shouting, "It's not a problem". I have to be honest, that was not what I needed to hear. For me, it was a massive problem. Not only was I going to be late but how on earth was I supposed to convince the mechanic that my car was roadworthy now? My world was falling apart. However well meaning, the last thing that I wanted to be told, was that my problem was not a problem. It might not have been a problem for him, but it certainly was for me. He undoubtedly said it with the best of intentions but what he needed to do was deal with me, before he dealt with the issue. He may have had the solution (hence to him it genuinely wasn't a problem), but he needed to let me get things off my chest. He had to listen to me and help me to manage my emotional response so that he could then go on to resolve the issue. And it gets worse. This was a pretty spontaneous incident. It may have provoked that emotional 'knee-jerk' in me, that couldn't be ignored, but it hadn't had the time to brew properly... I am sure that you can think of a situation where you were really angry about something or someone and you were going to ring the Customer Service Team and give them a piece of your mind. Not only had you got a story to tell them, but you had rehearsed exactly how the conversation was going to go, in your head, over and over. You had actually made yourself notes so that you didn't forget to say something along the way... But, when you spoke to the agent, barely had you opened your mouth before you were interrupted with, 'It is not a problem', and presented with their solution that you were expected to accept, be happy with and move on... problem solved... But... you still had all of this stuff that you hadn't had a chance to say! You had a script that you were not even halfway through! You found yourself left with the sense that, how you felt was of no significance, it wasn't relevant, because they had the answer. And it left you feeling frustrated and angry... So todays takeaway is... Even if you have the solution, you have got to let people vent. You have got to let them get it off their chest. It is perfectly natural and it will help them immensely in dealing with what is happening. By not allowing them to do that, all you are doing is making your own life so much harder for yourself. So don't be so quick to jump in and 'head problems off at the pass'. It is infuriating to be on the receiving end of it. Whether it is a client, a customer, an employee, your manager, your teenager... be patient! My experience as a hostage negotiator was that you need to deal with person before you can begin to address the problem. Allow them to express their feelings, let them say what they need to say, hear them out and then, and only then, offer your solution... They are far more likely to accept it... Nigel Taberner is a former UK Hostage Negotiator who now brings those skills to the corporate world.

"I Understand"

by Nigel Taberner • 14 April 2026
One of the phrases that you should never hear coming from the mouth of a hostage negotiator is, “I understand”. Former negotiator Nigel Taberner explains why that is. ‘I understand’ is one of our ‘go-to’ phrases in life when we are dealing with someone who has a complaint, who is having a hard time or is emotional about something. We genuinely say it because we think that it will make people feel better, but it can have completely the opposite effect. A few months ago I was having lunch with my family in the kitchen. We had put the washing machine on and it was doing a spin cycle. Suddenly there was an almighty bang! When we recovered from the shock, we discovered a massive hole had been blown out of the washing machine door window and that shards of glass had been thrown all over the kitchen, narrowly missing us. We were given the usual run-around on the phone for a couple of days before we managed to get it taken seriously but, in the meantime, I had to negotiate my way around my arch-nemeses. The ‘I Understand’ man… The ‘I Understand’ man ‘understood’ that we were unhappy with the product failing in spectacular fashion and exploding in the way that it had. He ‘understood’ that we felt like we were being given the run-around on the phone. He ‘understood’ that we were starting to get frustrated because we felt that nobody was taking it seriously. He even ‘understood’ how scary it must have been when the glass went bang and was thrown across the kitchen. Now, given my background, I really do try not to go through life critiquing the quirks of people’s communication styles and, in fairness, he probably was trying to make me feel better by demonstrating what he believed to be empathy. But I’d had more than enough of being ‘understood’ for one day. I said to him, “You have no idea how we felt because you were not stood there when the glass blew out. You were not there, and you did not experience it. You did not hear it and you did not see it. Even if you had been there, you would only understand how you felt, you would still have no idea what it felt like for me”. So, the first take home is that you can never ‘understand’ how I feel. You cannot walk in my shoes. You can put my shoes on, you can have a good walk around in them, but you will only ever understand how they feel for you. You will not understand how tight or uncomfortable they are for me. You will never experience them rubbing like I do. You will never know the sense of relief I feel when I take them off at the end of the day. We can both experience exactly the same thing but feel very differently. So, no matter how well intended it may be, to say ‘I understand’ does not cut it. It is fog language. Very often as we navigate our way through life, we become the ‘I Understand Man/ Woman’. When our colleague at work breaks up with a partner, we ‘understand’. When our kids are struggling with exam stress or bullying, we ‘understand’. When somebody misses out on a promotion, we ‘understand’. So, “what do I do?”, I hear you saying. What is the appropriate response? Well counter-intuitively the best response is to be honest and say, “I can’t possibly understand what that must have been like for you”. Then sit back, be quiet, listen, and let them tell you. It works. Saying to them, “I can’t even begin to imagine how you must have felt”, acknowledges that their feelings are only ever theirs but, when combined with good listening skills it gives them the opportunity to articulate exactly how they feel and what it is that they are going through. Then, and only then, will you ever ‘understand’… Nigel Taberner is a communications expert and former UK hostage negotiator who now brings those skills to the corporate world through conference speeches and communications masterclasses.